Hope

Yes, T has improved. If I look back on it, I'd have to say drastically. It hasn't been without a whole lot of work, though. K, our first one took some work to help her get to where she is after two and a half years, but that work was nothing compared to what we've had to do with T. She turned our house upside down for a while. We realized that she was just living out of that survival part of her brain. Apparently, her home life was chaotic, to say the least and she was trying to make our house the same way. When you have a child with severe issues, you can't treat them like a child who has grown up with a loving parent to care for them. I'm pretty sure that T has never had anyone care for her in her home. She's talked of her grandfather putting her out in the snow in only her underwear when she was very small and how she and her mother ate out of the garbage can. She was telling us just the other night that she said she didn't want to live with her mother and that's why they put her in the orphanage. In other words, it was her fault. We know that's not true and told her so. She was put in the orphanage because her mother was neglectful. It doesn't take much for the authorities to find out that a child is being neglected.

The hardest part for me is to let go of the expectations that a child will love you if you love and care for them. It doesn't work that way with a broken and/or disturbed child. They have never had anyone put them first and care for their needs, so they decide the only person they can trust is themselves. If they let someone be in charge of them, then they're doomed. They think that they will die. The problem is that a child can't really take care of themselves. They NEED someone to take care of them.

I've had to let go of the hurt that T has inflicted on me because of her behavior. She has tried to hurt everyone in our house. If she knows she can say something to hurt you or make you mad, then she will do it. If she can get someone to react, then she feels 'in control'. It seems her life is all about playing games. A strange way to live your life.

I think that we finally have gotten through to her some. What we have to do is NOT react to her. This reaction leaves her not knowing what to do.

This change did not happen overnight. We went through some terribly stormy days. Days that should have been happy, were extremely sad. I wish I knew why children want to keep turmoil in their lives when that's all they've known and in their new home, things don't have to be that way.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that things felt hopeless a few months ago. I felt like I was in survival mode. My whole family was being traumatized by this child that I willingly brought into our home. Now that we are past the worst, I can see some progress. There is some hope.