Reality

The picture is of our 8 month old granddaughter with her daddy, who is overseas right now.

It's been a very long time since I've posted. These have been very difficult days. Our newest daughter, T, has been very trying. She drains most of my energy some days. T has FASD and RAD and maybe even some other things. To look at her, you'd think she's the sweetest, happiest, most loving child. We've been told that. She's a happy girl, many have told us. BUT, they don't have to live with her! Yes, she's little and has an infectious smile, but it's all fake. She's not happy. She's a miserable soul. She HATES being told what to do. That is classic RAD. As a child, she apparently was never taken care of. How a baby can be in a house and not be held or fed regularly, I'll never know. After being neglected, a child just gives up. I've heard that baby orphanages overseas are eerily quiet.

We have an 8 month old granddaughter who is anything but quiet. In fact, her mother thinks she is very demanding. I tell her over and over, she's normal. Our granddaughter knows she is loved. She thinks everyone loves her! LOL She is such a joy to have around. She brightens my day. She instantly knew that I would help her if she needed anything. I don't know if she remembers when I was around her first four days of life or just has that sense of who cares. I've always thought babies had that extra sense. Our oldest daughter has told me that she remembers the lullaby I used to hum to her as a baby. Our middle son says it's his 'default' song. lol

Comparing my biological children and my granddaughter to my two adopted ones, helps me to see how much the adopted children have missed. K has said many times that she wished we had adopted her as a very young child. Sometimes, she makes up her own memories of when she was younger and I was her mother. She wants to erase her past.

T on the other hand, denies her past. She longs for the orphanage and Ukraine. Everyone loved her and she loved them. I know that she did not really love her mother or vice versa because of how rude she is to me. RAD children treat their adoptive parents like their own parents treated them, which isn't fair at all. Whenever T shows any kind of affection, she is just mimicking what she thinks she should do or what she has seen others do. She hugs me very hard. So hard, it almost hurts, which is an oxymoron. A hug that hurts. There should not be such a thing.

It has been very difficult for me to come to a place where I acknowledge that her affection and words are not truly sincere. We've realized that she lies and sneaks. She gets extremely upset if you tell her she's doing her math wrong. She HATES to be told she's wrong. She doesn't take personal responsibility for the things she does, but on the other hand blames herself for being taken to the orphanage. As a five year old, she was somewhere she shouldn't have been. So that's her fault, not her drunken mother who sent her out at 2 or 3 in the morning to buy vodka for her.

She doesn't tell us much about her past since she wants to deny that it was bad, but she did tell us she had a dream about someone molesting her. She did say that her dad and I were looking for her, wondering where she was. I think it was a dream about a memory. At least she has a sense that we do want to keep her safe, though that realization and knowing it for sure may be another few years down the road.

Children like T are very difficult to deal with. They don't understand cause and effect, reward and punishment/discipline. If we take anything away, we are just being mean to her. She does not acknowledge a punishment as an incentive to act better. On top of everything, she tries to manipulate everyone, especially K. I'm trying to get K to understand and I think she does to some extent. K is very bright. We just have to get beyond her past, too.

I do have a book I'm reading called 'Help for the Hopeless Child'. A friend loaned it to me. So far, we have already been doing many of the things it suggests, so hopefully we are on the right track.