Improvements

I have not checked my wife's blog in months. T has improved. She has improved dramatically. Months ago when we were in the middle of a wrestling match, I felt there was little hope for this child and she would have been better off left where she was. WRONG. We have learned that force, spanking or yelling is not an option. All I had to do in the past was give my kids the "look" and they would behave. I have treated my 14, soon to be 15, year old daughter as a four year old since then. When she gets no response from us, she will stop her bad behavior. Now that we can understand each other, I have been able to talk her out of having a full blown spell.
When I say spell, I mean this dialogue. "I hate you- I want to go back to the orphanage." And my all time favorite. "Fine, You want spankey T, Fine, Want spankey.
Her English is still very broken and she is forgetting Russian.

She responds to the promise of us always loving her and always being her Mama and Papa. It's now Mom and Dad. Even in those troubled months, she still called me Dad. I knew little Miss T would be a problem long before we adopted her. She surprised me with just how much a problem she could be, and she surprises me on how much progress she has made.

Reality

The picture is of our 8 month old granddaughter with her daddy, who is overseas right now.

It's been a very long time since I've posted. These have been very difficult days. Our newest daughter, T, has been very trying. She drains most of my energy some days. T has FASD and RAD and maybe even some other things. To look at her, you'd think she's the sweetest, happiest, most loving child. We've been told that. She's a happy girl, many have told us. BUT, they don't have to live with her! Yes, she's little and has an infectious smile, but it's all fake. She's not happy. She's a miserable soul. She HATES being told what to do. That is classic RAD. As a child, she apparently was never taken care of. How a baby can be in a house and not be held or fed regularly, I'll never know. After being neglected, a child just gives up. I've heard that baby orphanages overseas are eerily quiet.

We have an 8 month old granddaughter who is anything but quiet. In fact, her mother thinks she is very demanding. I tell her over and over, she's normal. Our granddaughter knows she is loved. She thinks everyone loves her! LOL She is such a joy to have around. She brightens my day. She instantly knew that I would help her if she needed anything. I don't know if she remembers when I was around her first four days of life or just has that sense of who cares. I've always thought babies had that extra sense. Our oldest daughter has told me that she remembers the lullaby I used to hum to her as a baby. Our middle son says it's his 'default' song. lol

Comparing my biological children and my granddaughter to my two adopted ones, helps me to see how much the adopted children have missed. K has said many times that she wished we had adopted her as a very young child. Sometimes, she makes up her own memories of when she was younger and I was her mother. She wants to erase her past.

T on the other hand, denies her past. She longs for the orphanage and Ukraine. Everyone loved her and she loved them. I know that she did not really love her mother or vice versa because of how rude she is to me. RAD children treat their adoptive parents like their own parents treated them, which isn't fair at all. Whenever T shows any kind of affection, she is just mimicking what she thinks she should do or what she has seen others do. She hugs me very hard. So hard, it almost hurts, which is an oxymoron. A hug that hurts. There should not be such a thing.

It has been very difficult for me to come to a place where I acknowledge that her affection and words are not truly sincere. We've realized that she lies and sneaks. She gets extremely upset if you tell her she's doing her math wrong. She HATES to be told she's wrong. She doesn't take personal responsibility for the things she does, but on the other hand blames herself for being taken to the orphanage. As a five year old, she was somewhere she shouldn't have been. So that's her fault, not her drunken mother who sent her out at 2 or 3 in the morning to buy vodka for her.

She doesn't tell us much about her past since she wants to deny that it was bad, but she did tell us she had a dream about someone molesting her. She did say that her dad and I were looking for her, wondering where she was. I think it was a dream about a memory. At least she has a sense that we do want to keep her safe, though that realization and knowing it for sure may be another few years down the road.

Children like T are very difficult to deal with. They don't understand cause and effect, reward and punishment/discipline. If we take anything away, we are just being mean to her. She does not acknowledge a punishment as an incentive to act better. On top of everything, she tries to manipulate everyone, especially K. I'm trying to get K to understand and I think she does to some extent. K is very bright. We just have to get beyond her past, too.

I do have a book I'm reading called 'Help for the Hopeless Child'. A friend loaned it to me. So far, we have already been doing many of the things it suggests, so hopefully we are on the right track.

New Family Member

This post isn't about adoption, it's about family which is what an adoption is all about.

Here is the newest member of our family -- Our first granddaughter:)

From Lily

Summer 2009 -- Ukraine

(Double click to make the images larger)

Memories

Tonight I watched a little girl playing with stickers and found myself thinking back. One day I bought as many little notebooks and stickers I could find and took them to the kids at the orphanage. There was one little boy who got upset a little and I sat there and watched him pull stickers and stick them in his notebook, while he sniffed and wiped his eyes. It was something special to him. He wanted my approval on what he had done. His name was Losha, but I called him my Tic Tac buddy, because I took him Tic Tacs every day until I began to worry about his teeth. I thought how bad this boy needs someone to care about him.
On my wall in my bedroom I have an 8x10 picture of my closest friend there, Tonya and her little brother, Aundrey. Tonya will age out of the system very soon and she is in my prayers daily. I also have a picture of my girl, Nastia. This picture was taken with a cheap camera one of the kids gave me to develop pictures. She is laying on her cot and you can see the loneliness and despair of this child. Those of you who have been there know from experience.

Papa Dennis

No More Walls

I have known Tamara for almost three years now. We hosted her twice and have spent time with her at the orphanage. She has never let me be close to her. I have gotten a lot of rejection and had decided to just accept her as she is. Well, last Saturday the girls went to a birthday party for one of the adoptive children in Houston here. On the way home Toma decided to have one of her pity parties. We have always accepted it, but she has been one of the family for almost two months now, so June did what a mother usually does, and fussed at her. When I got home, Toma described what had happened. It was cute. I believe June disciplining her made her feel more a part of the family. It seems to have broken down the last wall separating Toma and her Papa. She has been more a part of the family and more receptive to her Papa. This is a Toma I have never met. We have had some concerns about attachment issues, but it seems things are going better. I have a friend who died several years ago. When you would ask him how he was doing, his reply was always, "Better and better".

Today June visited with a family who is leaving for Ukraine soon. She gave them the phone we used on our trip. There are so many memories and friends that come to mind. We called Ukraine the other morning and talked to a dear friend we made while there, Brother Vacili. In a way I wish we were going back. There isn't a day that passes that I don't think of the people there.

Another Papa Post

I am having to get used to the new affectionate Toma. We all went to Wall-Mart tonight and Miss Toma insisted on walking with me holding hands. Karina was affectionate with me from day one, but Toma has pretty much, until just recently, given me the universal--"talk to the hand." I never expected her to pursue my affection. I don't know how to be affectionate to Toma. I can tell she is trying, and best of all I can see she is more relaxed and happy. Of course making your sister jealous is fun also. Toma is less dependent on Karina for everything, and there is a little more time for Mama and Papa.

Papa Dennis